Surrendered

Guess who’s back?!

It’s been way too long, and so much has happened since my last blog post, but I am officially and back, and hopefully back long term!

By the time 2025 came to an end, I had my 2026 planned out nicely: SMART goals with quarterly milestones, anticipating a lot of growth and lifestyle changes. I made these plans with full confidence that everything would work out almost exactly as I wanted it to, with perhaps a month’s leeway either way for me to hit my targets. What I did not anticipate was having literally ALL my plans derailed by a variety of factors beyond my control.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but the counsel of Adonai will stand.” Proverbs‬ ‭19‬:‭21‬ ‭TLV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/314/pro.19.21.TLV.

By April, I had planned to have gotten a puppy and kickstarted one of my creative pursuits. I had started preparing for these things mentally and practically, fully confident in my capabilities to pull them off. Lo and behold, I had a reality check when timelines I had created in my own head - without properly considering external factors - blew up in my face. We are now in June, and not only do we not have a puppy, I also haven’t been able to start one of my creative pursuits for reasons I cannot share just yet, but big enough to stop me in my tracks. All I will say is that I literally bawled in the middle of the night when I realised I was stuck. I woke up with puffy eyes (you do NOT want to see that ugly sight, believe me 😅), and I spent a few days feeling very sorry for myself.

I was also disappointed, if not heartbroken, when my plans for the summer fell through too. I had planned a trip back home at the end of this month for a very special occasion; to see family, friends and old colleagues, and to satisfy my food cravings because Canadian food sucks! (Sorry, not sorry, Canadians). I had even bookmarked all the London restaurants I intended to eat at and curated a realistic budget to accomplish that. When the main reason for my trip fell through, I was once again left devastated. Nothing was going my way at all.

I did not anticipate the war that broke out in the Middle East. I did not anticipate fuel prices rising astronomically. I did not expect political shifts in the U.K., chaos in global politics, strange weather patterns including snowfall in early May, or so many other external factors indirectly impacting my life, as if I was born last night! I should have known better.

Here I was, a woman used to living life in “Go” mode: green lights everywhere, having to pump my brakes and just… pause. Living life at a red and amber light has been excruciating. Honestly, it has felt like being pruned, and I love how John 15:2 was verse of the day just last week. (““I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John‬ ‭15‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/114/jhn.15.1-2.NKJV.) Many days, I woke up feeling like I was losing myself, and yet I still got up, kept moving and had bursts of energy several days a week. Other days, I genuinely had no will to get out of bed. I would spend the entire day in my pyjamas and only get up late afternoon when my stomach finally started rumbling. I had no will to eat, that’s how bad it was. If you know me at all, then you know that I absolutely love and appreciate food, so not having an appetite was a signal of how bad things had gotten.

Now, though, I believe that God has allowed me to go through this season to peel off the mask I’ve been wearing for years: the falsehood that my identity is tied to my career and my accomplishments. I’m literally in a space where I have no choice but to simply “work on myself”, and for months, I spent more time wallowing than embracing this season. As a Project Manager, one thing I’ve always valued is a proper lessons learnt process. Downtime seasons at work were precious to me because they allowed me to pause, reflect and implement changes so things could become more efficient. Funny enough, I somehow failed to apply that same mindset to my own personal life. I could have been using the past few months to assess my life and realign myself with the things that truly matter; living in a way that my future self would thank me for and my younger self would be pleased with.

Every person I spoke to about my predicament said something along the lines of, “You’ll appreciate this downtime,” or, “You’ll never get this much free time again.” As they spoke, I remember thinking to myself: they are speaking from a place of privilege. Their careers were progressing, their lives were moving forward, but I felt stagnant. At this stage of my life, I had pictured myself pushing harder than ever towards my goals because time has been flying and I have other things I want to pursue in the coming years. I felt derailed. But after reflecting on those conversations, I realised their words weren’t landing because I was viewing this season as something entirely negative.

Having free time is, in many ways, a blessing.

I’ve had time to explore my creative interests in ways I hadn’t been able to before. I started baking again, creating recipes and trying new ways of cooking. I make our bread and pasta from scratch now, and I've been fermenting foods to boost our gut health. I even picked up the guitar again after nearly 12 years since the first time I strummed nonsense on a guitar in Tanzania. I have the flexibility to be in the gym at least three times a week at ANY time, and I’ve been intentionally researching healthier habits to adopt. Where is the negativity in that?

I am now surrendered to the will of God. Being a follower of Christ isn’t easy. His grace and mercies may be renewed daily, but there is still a constant battle between my human nature and the Spirit of Christ living within me. I have been a Christian my entire life, but I started intentionally following Yeshua Hamashiach and His teachings in my early twenties: first through baptism by immersion, and secondly through spending time in His Word. I should therefore know better and behave like I know who, and whose, I am. The God I serve literally exists outside of time. Time means nothing to Him, yet here I was trying to squeeze Him into my own timelines.

The entire chapter of Ecclesiastes 3 used to be one of my favourite memory passages to recite, growing up. It begins by stating, "“For everything there is a season and a time for every activity under heaven:" Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬ ‭TLV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/314/ecc.3.1.TLV”

Yet somehow, I was not consistently applying that truth to my own life. I spent a long time crying and wishing things were different, but I’m now being reminded that life isn’t a straight line upward. It is a series of peaks and troughs. Seasons. As long as the overall trajectory is upward, why should I become so consumed by the troughs? I believe in a God who has transformed my life and never failed me, even when circumstances temporarily suggested otherwise. If He dresses the lilies with beauty and splendour, how much more will He care for me? (“And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They neither toil nor spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. Now if in this way God clothes the grass—which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow—will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭28‬-‭30‬ ‭TLV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/314/mat.6.28-30.TLV)

And yet, here I was moving like an orphan, as if my Father is not Elohim Himself, The Creator of the heavens and the earth. Even the puppy I’m sad about not having yet? He created it too! But of course, it is human nature to want to conquer the world and achieve things. We chase milestones, promotions, accomplishments and this illusion of “self-actualisation” per Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, as though there is some magical destination where we finally feel complete. But then what? What happens after we achieve everything we thought we wanted? Do we simply move the goalpost again and continue climbing? Are we ever truly satisfied? We ought to reflect on that.

Surrendering to the will of God requires stripping away ego and giving everything back to Him. It means praying for His guidance and then actually allowing Him to lead, instead of behaving like I’m in the driver’s seat while hoping He approves my route choices afterwards. Oh, how silly of me. So what does surrendering actually look like for me, personally? It does not mean being idle and waiting for things to fall into my lap, no. It means embracing each season for what it is, sitting in discomfort just as willingly as I sit in joy and celebration. It means continuing to put in the work and laying the groundwork so that I am prepared when the peaks come again. “Luck”, as the world calls it, often favours the prepared. It means recognising that I tied my identity too closely to achievement and career success, while God is calling me back to my true identity first: Child of God. Everything else comes afterwards.

Surrendering means rejoicing even when things do not look great outwardly. Praising in the storm. Fighting spirit with spirit. Returning to the will of God daily and realigning my focus with His desires for my life instead of my own. It means pausing long enough to actually hear Him speak back to me. It means letting go of rigid expectations and focusing more on cultivation instead. It means treating my body like the Temple of God that it is and paying attention to the signals my body has been sending me all along, but I was too busy to notice before. It means devoting my time to the things of the Cross, remaining open to conviction, humbling myself before God and resisting the urge to constantly question Him about the state of my life. It means remembering that my life is in His hands (“My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.” John‬ ‭10‬:‭27‬-‭28‬ ‭NKJV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/114/jhn.10.27-28.NKJV). It means remembering that His plans for me are still good (“For I know the plans that I have in mind for you,” declares Adonai, “plans for shalom and not calamity—to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ ‭TLV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/314/jer.29.11.TLV). It means remembering that I can do all things through Christ, not only when life is abundant and exciting, but also when life feels slow, uncertain and painfully still. (“I can do all things through Messiah who strengthens me.” Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬ ‭TLV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/314/php.4.13.TLV). It means casting my cares onto Him because He cares for me. (“Cast all your worries on Him, for He cares for you.” 1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭7‬ ‭TLV‬‬ https://bible.com/bible/314/1pe.5.7.TLV). So for now, I am surrendered.

So this is an invitation for you to come with me on this journey as I reignite my passion for writing and creating art, while learning to let go of control over my own timeline and embrace the unexpected freedom that this season has afforded me.